Diocese of Raleigh returns priest to ministry after suspension for violating "vows of priestly chastity"
Fr. Steven Costello's parish reminds flock that priests are "tempted to sin"
7/24/25 update: Father Steven Costello’s alleged victim spoke with The Pillar:
‘Discretion not deception’: Woman says Raleigh diocese mishandled spiritual manipulation
Original Oct. 8, 2024 story:
Note: An earlier version of this article incorrectly stated that Fr. Costello’s leave of absence lasted ten months. His leave of absence was approximately seven months.
The Catholic Diocese of Raleigh, NC has reinstated a priest suspended in March after church officials learned that St. Paul parochial vicar Fr. Steven Costello engaged in “consensual” sexual behavior “between adults.”
When the allegations surfaced, the diocese told parishioners that Fr. Costello would be placed on leave due to “issues regarding boundaries and inappropriate behaviors which counter the vows of priestly chastity,” according to reporting from the Sun Journal.
After a nearly seven-month absence, Fr. Costello is now back at his New Bern parish.
“Fr. Steven returns to St. Paul this week,” the parish announced in their Oct. 6 bulletin. “His favorite Saint is Therese of Lisieux, a powerful intercessor for priests.”
About “consensual” sexual acts with a priest
My work in advocacy for adult victims of Catholic priest misconduct makes me very skeptical of diocese claims that a priest’s sexual misbehavior with an adult was “consensual.” In my experience, church officials use a very antiquated, minimalistic definition of “consent” that simply means that the priest didn’t use physical force, and that the other person did not (seem to) object to the sexual activity.
I worked on a case in 2023 in the Diocese of Reno where church officials claimed a priest’s sexual behavior with an adult woman was “consensual,” but it turned out that the woman involved was a parishioner who was targeted by the priest for sexual coercion.
Bottom line: I don’t trust a diocese when they say a priest’s sexual actions were “consensual.” There are very few situations in which a celibate priest can engage in a truly consensual sexual relationship with someone. The power and assumed spiritual authority of a priest makes it almost impossible for such relationships to be free of exploitative dynamics.
Unanswered questions
The Diocese of Raleigh has not been forthcoming with information about the allegations against Fr. Costello. A March 12 announcement on the diocese website announcing Costello’s departure simply says, “Reverend Steven R. Costello is granted a leave of absence effective March 8, 2024.” The only publicly available source stating that Fr. Costello’s leave of absence was due to sexual misbehavior is a March 12 article in the Sun Journal.
Last summer, I contacted the Diocese of Raleigh to ask for clarifications regarding Fr. Costello. I asked them:
Does Fr. Costello's alleged inappropriate behavior involve a parishioner or someone else who was under the spiritual authority of Fr. Costello?
Was the Victim Assistance office involved in the investigation?
What criteria will the diocese use to determine if Fr. Costello is fit to return to ministry?
After initially being told by the Communications office via email that they would get back to me with more information, they stopped responding to my messages.
What about the priest’s privacy?
Some may argue that the diocese would be violating Fr. Costello’s privacy, or the privacy of the other person(s) involved in the priest’s sexual activity, if they answered my questions. I, however, would remind those who may raise such concerns that priests are public persons who enjoy immense privilege and authority. Very few members of other professions are pampered and protected by their institution as much as priests.
Father Costello being given a mental health sabbatical as pseudo-punishment for sexually acting out with an adult is not an anomaly, it is the norm. Priests like Costello get to take an extended break from work for simply choosing to not control their sexual urges. So cry me a river about the priest’s “privacy.” And diocese officials can tell us whether or not Fr. Costello’s sexual activity was with a parishioner without revealing the name of the parishioner.
The institutional church bends over backwards to avoid embarrassing priests to a scandalous degree.
Is it anyone’s business outside of the parish?
Some parishioners at St. Paul may believe that the situation with their pastor is a private matter and the general public does not need to know the details. To that concern, I would remind parishioners that priests are representatives of Jesus Christ and the Catholic Church to the entire world, not just your local parish. Furthermore, parishioners at any future assignment of Fr. Costello’s deserve to know what type of priest they are entrusting with their spiritual lives.
A priest’s bad behavior harms the entire church, not just his parish.
Priests and “human weakness”
Directly above St. Paul’s Oct. 6 announcement of Fr. Costello’s return is a prayer for priests penned by the late John Cardinal O’Connor. The prayer reminds the faithful that priests “share our human weaknesses” and “are tempted to sin and discouragement as are we, needing to be ministered to, as do we, to be consoled and forgiven, as do we.”
Sometimes, something can be both accurate but also harmful to say in a situation.
It is accurate that priests are human like the rest of us and are tempted to sin. But it is also harmful for a Catholic parish to publicly mention human weakness in connection to an announcement about the return of a priest suspended for sexual misconduct.
First of all, this sentiment diminishes the priest’s responsibility for his actions. “Human weakness” is when someone gets impatient while driving or has a habit of hitting the snooze button too many times in the morning. A celibate priest who engages in inappropriate sexual behavior with another person is making a deliberate choice. Referring to a priest’s sexually inappropriate behavior as a “weakness” minimizes the harm of clergy sexual misconduct and gives the offending priest an excuse to avoid ownership of his behavior.
Also, publicly reminding parishioners that Fr. Costello is “tempted to sin” like the rest of us sends a very clear message to the flock: Shut up and move on. You’re not allowed to still be angry about this. Who are you to judge?
Priests who misbehave deserve forgiveness and compassion like anyone else. Unfortunately, however, churches have often weaponized forgiveness to guilt Christians into not demanding accountability or transparency. Church members should be leery when the institution pressures them to forgive and forget the actions of a wayward clergy member.
Notably absent from St. Paul’s announcement of Fr. Costello’s return is any acknowledgement of those their parochial vicar hurt with his actions or any calls to pray for those affected. Even if the person(s) involved in Fr. Costello’s sexual misconduct were truly “consenting” adults, this scandal has likely been traumatic for them. Where is the compassion for them? Instead, the church prioritizes the feelings and reputation of the sexually problematic priest. This attitude — a byproduct of clericalism — enables priest sexual misbehavior.
The priest misbehavior-to-sabbatical pipeline
Many U.S. bishops seem to believe that the best solution to a priest’s non-criminal sexual acting out with another adult is to place the priest on leave, provide them with counseling, and then put them back into ministry after they’re assumed to be cured of their compulsions. Sexually problematic priests in the U.S. are often sent for long stays at exclusive retreat facilities such as the Shalom Center in Splendora, TX. (Priests sent to Shalom have time to ponder their sexual misdeeds during peaceful paddle boat rides on a private lake or during on-call massage therapy sessions.)
The Diocese of Raleigh has not publicly stated whether or not Fr. Costello’s “intensive” treatment involved time at a facility similar to Shalom. What is clear, however, is that Fr. Costello enjoyed privileges that would not be extended to “regular” individuals. If you or I messed up at our jobs by fragrantly violating one of the company’s most important rules, our employer would likely not grant us months of paid time off, provide counseling, and then let us return to our position.
Yet, with priests who act out sexually with adults, both church officials and many Catholic laypersons alike, seem to believe that the top priority is the well-being of the priest, not creating a safe church environment.
Catholics were justifiably horrified in the early 2000s when we learned the true extent of our church’s child sexual abuse and cover-up crisis. The U.S. Catholic Church responded to the public scrutiny by adopting much-needed reforms outlined in the Dallas Charter. All the necessary focus on protecting children has led, unfortunately, to many Catholics breathing a sigh of relief when they find out that a priest’s sexual acting out was with an adult, not a child.
Tragically, there is no equivalent blueprint of the Dallas Charter for situations where a priest’s sexual misconduct involves someone aged 18 or over. With a lack of clear direction from the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, individual dioceses must evaluate such situations on a case-by-case basis. In most of the cases that I’ve observed, priests accused of sexual misconduct with adults are allowed a chance to return to ministry as long as no criminal activities are alleged.
The U.S. Catholic Church leadership’s leniency toward priests who engage in sexual misbehavior with adults is Catholicism’s modern-day sex/cover-up scandal. The Church will (hopefully) look back at this time in the future with the same disgust and bewilderment that we feel when we think back to the pre-Dallas Charter days.
Church officials should deeply ponder the lasting ramifications of letting today’s priests think that the worst thing that will happen to them if they are sexually inappropriate with other adults is that they’ll be given a long vacation.
A message for Fr. Costello
I implore Fr. Costello to do the following:
Publicly apologize to all those he has hurt with his actions.
Provide public clarification about whether or not the person he engaged in sexual behavior with was a parishioner under his spiritual authority.
Tell us what type of treatment he received (and where).
List specific actions that he will undertake to ensure a safe environment.
Tell us what he’s learned from his mistakes.
Tell us what he’s doing to make amends with the person(s) involved in his sexual misconduct.
Father Costello (and every priest I’ve reported on) has an open invitation to contact me to share their side of the story.
The Diocese of Raleigh and Fr. Costello did not respond to a request for comment.
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One question I keep asking myself is, what are women doing with Priests that get them in these situations? You attend Mass, go home. What else do you have to do with the Priest? Don't these women have families? If they do, don't they have men in their families? What are you doing or asking of a Priest that the men in your family can't do for you?
Please with your experience on this matter, help me answer this question: what are women doing with Priests that get them in these situations? They are usually not random people but people he already knows. So please help me understand what relations they have with the Priest who's a stranger to them outside church stuff.
It was with a spiritual directee and former student at the university he used to teach at